My Boss is Going to Buy Me a Catheter

If you ever need to make a case against the existence of God the best one is this: I have yet to be struck by lightning. Well that and it doesn’t burn when I walk into a church. At least not much.

That being said, should you ever need to make a case supporting the existence of the man upstairs just remember: He spites me. He spites me well.

Remember when I joined Weight Watchers to make fun of people? No? Well I did. And last week was my first weigh-in. The first week's supposed to be the biggest loss. I had visions of 2 or 3 pounds melting off, revealing a skinnier, hotter version of me. But remember how I said I liked to make fun of people during the meeting (don't worry, only in my head... and only to make me feel better about myself, I'm sure, in some sad, pathetic little way)? Well, ya… I lost 0.8th of a pound in the first week.

Like I said, He spites me.

But fear not, I refuse to give up (on both the making fun and the diet). Don't get me wrong, I want to... I really, REALLY want to. For the sake of all the nachos in the world that shed a tear and silently whisper my name. But my bikini won't let me quit. And the groundhog said I only have 6 more weeks before spring so I really have to get my butt in gear. All of it.

So I'm following all the rules. Or at least most of the rules. But in my defence the rules are pretty strict and, really, didn't James Dean say that rules are made to be broken or something like that? Or maybe it was Jimmy Dean. Mmmmm... sausage.

Anywho... one of said rules is to drink copious amounts of water. That is actually a rule I can follow. Mostly because taking a sip of water means taking a break from work... so I take lots and lots (and lots!) of sips.

As a result, I also take lots and lots (and lots!) of trips to the bathroom. Seriously, I'm sure my co-workers think I have a problem. And the more I tried to avoid people and be all casual about it the more I get busted in the hallway and inevitably cause a scene. I really should not be allowed to make idle conversation... I just end up appearing creepy because I never know when to stop and, in case you haven't noticed, I can be mildly inappropriate at times. And by 'at times' I mean 'always'.

And by 'mildly' I mean 'majorly'.

Needless to say, with all the Potty Parades that go right past my boss' office I'm fairly certain he thinks my usage of the facilities is a tad excessive and it's only a matter of time until a company-issued catheter is provided. I hear all the cool kids have one.

Speaking of cool… do NOT Google "catheter" while at work. Otherwise your boss may give you a pink slip instead of a urinary device.

Although I'm still unsure as to which of the two would be worse.

My next weigh-in is tomorrow. I'm not even going to pretend I expect to loose weight based on how I've been eating this past week. Somewhat because of last week's disappointing results but mostly because I discovered Weight Watchers chocolate cakes in the bakery (not frozen) section. And they are delicious. They taste like a Deep and Delicious cake. And the fact they're the size of my thumb isn't even a downfall. After all, who doesn't like pretending like they're a giant?!?

Fe-Fi-Foe-Fum.