When I was on my first of my two tours in Italy someone posed the question to me "how will your life change when you go home". At the time I was taken aback. I, honestly, didn't have an answer. This wasn't my first big trip and I remember feeling that way the first time... that surely life would change when I got home. But it didn't. It went back to the same old thing. And having those expectations of a momentous self-discovery and a life-changing experience resulted in only one thing: major post-trip blues. So, I thought, why would this time be any different? How could life possibly change simply by going away, only to return again? It made me wonder if maybe I expected too little from my travels, that I should perhaps be demanding more from wandering the world than mere photographs and souvenirs. That I should, at the very least, be able to answer the question.
It bothered me for a little while but I soon forgot what was asked of me with every sight I saw and memory I made. And then I noticed something. Every time I managed to get online I noticed that something... was actually nothing at all. Emails lacked replies. Comments were made by people I rarely saw not by people I wished were there with me. Blog traffic was at an all time low and texts and tweets were nonexistent. For all I was sure I was missing back home the cold hard reality of it all was that I wasn't missed at all. At first it was heartbreaking. I felt like I didn't belong where I was... or where I had come from; that my presence didn't matter, regardless of where I was or who I was with. Home or away, I felt lost. But as time wore on I realized that the more I wish I was missed the more I was missing out on. Until I just stopped checking. Stopped expecting.
Having limited internet access for 3 weeks was a huge wake up call as to how much of my everyday life is spent online, begging for attention. Whether it's emails, Facebook updates, Twitter mentions or blog comments the bulk of my day is spent refreshing pages and loading the same urls again and again. It's as though I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room yelling "look at me, look at me" hoping that someone, anyone, will acknowledge my existence. I'm constantly seeking validation. Encouragement. Reassurance. All the things I used to repeatedly ask of Him I now ask of anyone who will listen, whether it be a friend I've known for years or a stranger who just happened to stumble upon me on Google.
So the real question is this: what if I just stopped? What if I stopped trying so hard to be heard? What if I stopped checking my blog traffic and page views, emails and newsfeed? What if I stopped begging people to acknowledge my existence... and was happy to exist? Because if I have to yell that loud and be that persistent (and, frankly, annoying) just to be heard then is anyone really listening... or are they just appeasing me?
I still don't have an answer to the question I was asked. I don't know how life will change now that I'm home.
All I know is that it needs to.
4 comments:
What a great question. We should all approach life with the quest to let our experiences change and shape us.
Does participation in social media indicate that we are all looking for external affirmation? Probably, at least to some extent. It's a means to affirm our connections with others as well and, trust me, you were missed. Personally, I kept on the quiet side because I wanted you to be fully present in your Italian experience. Leaving the chatter behind allows us to focus on what's important -- defining what it is we're truly seeking.
You were (greatly) missed too, 'sis' ;) I think a lot of people did that... set me free and let me be and all that jazz. I know it was done with the best of intentions but, not gonna lie, I was lonely. Mind you, I seem to learn a lot more about myself, and life, when I'm lonely and searching... then I ever do otherwise.
It is what it was meant to be, I suppose. As per always ;)
I, for one, would miss you. That being said, I understand this question. I hope you find the answer you're looking for (and that you won't disappear completely forever).
xoxo
I know what you mean. Sometimes things will get crazy and I will go a few days without getting on twitter and it's amazing that no one seems to notice. A couple of close friends will text me to make sure I'm ok which makes me feel good but largely, I'm not missed.
I guess I just don't care. My friends on twitter have been so supportive of me through so many of my issues (anxiety, infertility, etc). I feel like I already get so much out of my internet friends that I can't really ask for more.
That being said, I missed you. :)
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